If Only...

As part of my desire to read (at least) 50 Books during my fiftieth year, I read the classic A Tree Grows in Brooklyn by Betty Smith.  Appended at the end of the book was an essay by the author entitled ‘Fall In Love With Life’. 

Smith notes that “As a listening child, [she] often heard older people say [things like] “If only I had my life to live over...”  She vowed to not fall prey to the same fate.  Later in life, however, when she found herself “middle-aged and alone....[She], too, began to think: “If only I had my life to live over again.”

When turning fifty, it's natural -- and a little scary -- to contemplate 'if only'.  To muse alternative fates, as if we had any choice in the matter.  

For as much as I believe we do the best we can at any point in life, it is tempting to wonder (if not fantasize) about alternative scenarios.

If only...I would have embraced my creative pursuits earlier. I was trained to work HARD -- to toil and struggle and earn success.  To pooh-pooh things that came easily.  I loved writing as a kid but it was fun and easy and it never occurred to me to write professionally until much later in life.

Then again, had I started writing professionally when I was in my twenties, I would have withered in the face of editors' rejections.  As it happens, because I was a late bloomer in terms of having a byline, I had a much more secure and realistic perspective.  I understood that an editor's 'no' was not a personal affront but rather a reflection of available column space for that issue. 

If only...I would have identified and dealt with my perfectionism earlier in life.  I regret the unnecessary stress and strain I would have saved myself and everyone around me.

This one's tougher.  At this juncture, I see no benefit for the extra decades of angst.  I guess the only saving grace is that as least I did learn the impact that perfectionism was having on me.  Some people never do. And I've done my best to help others avoid or abate the pain the perfectionism, for example in this Acceptance workbook.

If only...I would have traveled more during the past decade.  I adore travel.  I did a lot early in life and then, about ten years ago, I stopped.  Practicalities intervened and now, poof, it's years later and I realize that I've been depriving myself of something important.  Worse, I recognize that it'll be more challenging for me to hoist my fifty year old carcass up the steps of Machu Picchu and otherwise around the globe than it would have been in my fitter days.  

Still, this is all the more reason to make a point to travel more in the years to come.  If not now, then when?

Another good reason to contemplate 'if onlys'...to makes some course corrections before it's too late.

*****

What are your 'if only's'?  Message me or leave a comment below.