LIfe Dreams

Most of us have Life Dreams at different phases in life -- particular things we’d like to do or accomplish during our lives.

Some of these we do.

Some, we don’t.

Of the latter, sometimes we outgrow our dreams.  Maybe as a teen, you aspired to be a rock star...and now, at fifty, you’re content to avoid the musical limelight.  It could be that in your twenties you dreamed of climbing Everest someday...but now that trek appeals less. 

Other unfulfilled dreams don’t go away. They niggle at the back of our minds for decades.  Maybe you always wanted to visit Paris.  Or publish a book.  Or get a bachelor’s degree.  Or learn to tap dance.  Or build an adobe house.

It’s up to you to decide how important your unfulfilled dreams are.  Not how doable or practical they are -- how important are they.  To you.

If you have any important unfulfilled dreams, guess what?  You’re turning fifty.  If you don’t tackle them now, then when?  Take that trip.  Write that novel. Sign up for classes.  It’s only ‘too late’ if you don’t start now. (If you’d like more on this topic, Barbara Sher’s book is highly recommended).

Julian Fellowes wrote his first screenplay at the age of fifty.  It was entitled Gosford Park and won the Academy Award for Best Original Screenplay.  His subsequent scripts?  The Emmy-award winning television series Downton Abbey.  Are we glad he didn’t think it was ‘too late’ for him to start writing screenplays?

Activity:  As you reflect back on your life, what have been your Big Dreams at different stages of life?  Write them down.  Of these, put a great big checkmark beside those you actually did.  Congratulate yourself for your accomplishment.

Now, for each unfulfilled Big Dream: decide if they are still important to you.  

For unfulfilled dreams that are no longer important to you:  let them go.

For unfulfilled dreams that are important, ask yourself:  what actions can I take to move forward on this? 

Some dreams might require modification.  If not Everest, maybe the easier Kilimanjaro?  Or a mountain closer to home?  Or maybe you just want to spend more time hiking?

Some Life Dreams may seem impossible or impractical at this juncture.  If it still feels important to you, then ask yourself what might be a reasonable substitute.   What would be a similar experience you could take action towards?   For example, if your Life Dream was to be a professional dancer, but it’s not physically possible now, what is?  You could take classes -- or teach them.  You could organize a dance showcase.  You could find similar others and make a practice of going out dancing together.  What aspect or elements of your Life Dream can you experience? 

Your ideas and feedback are welcome.  Message me or leave a comment below.

Legacy

During a milestone year, like turning fifty, it’s natural to contemplate what legacy, if any, we’re leaving behind.

Those who have raised or fostered children have a ready, vivid answer. 

Those of us who are happily childfree, don’t. 

I never wanted kids.   Rare is the day that goes by in which I don’t thank my lucky stars that I avoided parenthood. So when I think of my ‘legacy’, I can’t think in traditional terms like genes or future generations.  I have to ask, at a basic level, what is it that I am leaving behind in the world?

Now I have co-fostered and co-trained service dogs with my husband.  I know that counts because I’ve seen the difference it has made in people’s lives.  Our first pup is now a Guide Dog for the Blind, bestowing personal and professional freedom to a consultant/public speaker.  Our second pup is a Dog4Diabetic service dog who has literally saved the life of his person dozens of times.  Future pups will no doubt transmit other benefits to the community.

I know the teaching and coaching and writing I do helps people.  It’s gratifying to see writers publishing their books -- and musicians thriving financially -- and entrepreneurs achieving their financial goals.  When readers write to tell me that my articles or blogs or books have been helpful or interesting, it’s lovely to realize that others are benefiting from my words.  It might not be world peace or a cure for cancer but it does seem to be a net, albeit modest, contribution to the planet.

Maybe that’s all legacy means:  a net contribution.  As long as we are we’re giving more to the world than we’re taking, that’s a legacy.  If we’re being responsible members of society rather than harming others.  If we’re good stewards of the environment rather than plundering it.

And this can translate into smaller acts:  we can leave a legacy by  

* growing and creating things, rather than just consuming

Whether it’s a vegetable garden or a handmade sweater, making things is a contribution.  There are probably bonus points for ‘upcycling’ -- for taking apparent trash and making something useful or beautiful with it.

* loving more than hating

Sure there are some people who are challenging to love -- especially those who hurt us -- and there are benefits to forgiving them (as we would want to be forgiven).

Happily, it’s easy to give affection to people we do care about.  To -- in the lyrics of James Taylor -- “shower the people we love with love”.  To truly appreciate them and what they bring to our lives.

* sharing and knowledge and ideas, rather than hiding it from others

Education might be another form of love.  The more knowledge we can spread in our communities, our professions and our personal lives, the greater the gift to the world.

*****

What about  you?  What do you think about the legacy you're leaving? Message me or leave a comment.

If Only...

As part of my desire to read (at least) 50 Books during my fiftieth year, I read the classic A Tree Grows in Brooklyn by Betty Smith.  Appended at the end of the book was an essay by the author entitled ‘Fall In Love With Life’. 

Smith notes that “As a listening child, [she] often heard older people say [things like] “If only I had my life to live over...”  She vowed to not fall prey to the same fate.  Later in life, however, when she found herself “middle-aged and alone....[She], too, began to think: “If only I had my life to live over again.”

When turning fifty, it's natural -- and a little scary -- to contemplate 'if only'.  To muse alternative fates, as if we had any choice in the matter.  

For as much as I believe we do the best we can at any point in life, it is tempting to wonder (if not fantasize) about alternative scenarios.

If only...I would have embraced my creative pursuits earlier. I was trained to work HARD -- to toil and struggle and earn success.  To pooh-pooh things that came easily.  I loved writing as a kid but it was fun and easy and it never occurred to me to write professionally until much later in life.

Then again, had I started writing professionally when I was in my twenties, I would have withered in the face of editors' rejections.  As it happens, because I was a late bloomer in terms of having a byline, I had a much more secure and realistic perspective.  I understood that an editor's 'no' was not a personal affront but rather a reflection of available column space for that issue. 

If only...I would have identified and dealt with my perfectionism earlier in life.  I regret the unnecessary stress and strain I would have saved myself and everyone around me.

This one's tougher.  At this juncture, I see no benefit for the extra decades of angst.  I guess the only saving grace is that as least I did learn the impact that perfectionism was having on me.  Some people never do. And I've done my best to help others avoid or abate the pain the perfectionism, for example in this Acceptance workbook.

If only...I would have traveled more during the past decade.  I adore travel.  I did a lot early in life and then, about ten years ago, I stopped.  Practicalities intervened and now, poof, it's years later and I realize that I've been depriving myself of something important.  Worse, I recognize that it'll be more challenging for me to hoist my fifty year old carcass up the steps of Machu Picchu and otherwise around the globe than it would have been in my fitter days.  

Still, this is all the more reason to make a point to travel more in the years to come.  If not now, then when?

Another good reason to contemplate 'if onlys'...to makes some course corrections before it's too late.

*****

What are your 'if only's'?  Message me or leave a comment below.

Keeping Up Appearances

"Aging Gracefully" by Linda Moskalyk

One unavoidable hurdle one must face when turning fifty:  our appearance.  It's startling to look in the mirror and see a fifty year old staring back.  

Actually, until last year, I was feeling pretty good on this front.  I felt healthy and in shape and happy.  I considered myself reasonably fit, relative to others my age.

When I attended a joint 50th Birthday Party last summer, I was eager to reconnect with folks I hadn't seen since high school.  I was looking forward to the event, even though it had been a very stressful, challenging month leading up to the event -- my mother had passed away unexpectedly one month before  I was left, as her only relative, to sort out everything.  The strain of these weeks took its toll emotionally, psychologically and physically.  I wasn't sleeping well.  I was self-medicating with comfort food and comfort wine.

Still, when the party rolled around, I was feeling reasonably good about myself and my appearance.  Especially given the circumstances.

Okay, I confess:  I wasn't entirely delighted with the ravages of the prior month so I had my pal Jani do my makeup -- to work her professional magic to heal what she could.  

Let's be honest:  it's unnerving to meet people one hasn't seen for thirty-one years.  There's an assessment process inherent in the reconnection:  how do we look?  Are we recognizable from our teen selves?  How attractive are we?  And the kicker:  do we look (cough) fifty?

Well, apparently I went to high school with many very kind people.  They said very complementary things about my appearance -- and most of them didn't even know what hell I'd been going through. 

Subsequently, photos from the event were swapped and shared.  Damn.  Talk about a reality check.  The camera revealed the truth:  alas, I am a doughy, wrinkled, fifty year old.

Well, really, what was I expecting?  I am, after all, fifty.  Fitness has not been a focus of my life in recent years.  My drug of choice is food.  Runner up:  wine.  I have not partaken in plastic surgery or botox or any of the other California traditions.  

So what are my options?  I could go about changing my appearance -- exercise more, consume less, go under the knife.  Or I could change my attitude about my appearance.  To understand the folly of desiring to look younger or better than one does.  To accept my current state as it is.  To age gracefully.

At some point, most middle-aged people confront this issue:  how to deal with one's current appearance.  It's a very personal way of dealing with the crux of being fifty.  Our youth is gone.  Decades have flown by.  How do we want to present ourselves to the world at this point in time?  How shall we deal with the effects of the decades to come? 

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this -- message me or leave your comments below.

What's on Your Mind?

As part of Making the Most of Turning Fifty, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.  I've been contemplating what's important and how I want to live my life.  

Part of this process has got me thinking about thinking itself. Specifically, I've asked myself what I spend time thinking about -- what occupies my mind during the day?

When I answered candidly, I was horrified to realize I spend the vast majority of my time thinking about 'to do's' and trivialities -- rather than contemplating writing ideas or jewelry designs or world events or art history or the meaning of life or dozens of other, more substantial topics. 

At first, I didn't believe it so I spent a few days paying attention to whatever was on my mind. The sad reality was that that few great weighty topics drifted across my consciousness.  Shockingly little occupied my mind, other than the day's 'to do's'.  Little thought was spent on The Big Picture.  Minimal brainstorming about cool creative projects. 

"I'm wasting my brain," I concluded.  "I'm frittering away my life, futzing over inconsequential matters."  I felt ashamed...and highly motivated to change the situation.  Which brought me to an important question:  What would I like to be thinking about?  On what would I prefer to be spending my mental energy? 

What a big impact this small shift in focus can have.  By asking myself this question daily, I'm delighted to report that I'm spending much more time contemplating topics that are important to me.

***

Quick!  What are you thinking about? What's on your mind right now?  

More importantly -- what would you like to be thinking about? On what would you prefer to be spending your mental energy?

 I'd love to hear your thoughts -- message me or leave a comment in the section below.

A Matter of Life & Death

Last week, I got the phone call no woman wants to get:  The breast center found something 'odd' (their term) during my routine exam.  They scheduled me for more testing.

I returned for a bout of breast-twisting and smooshing so vigorous that I needed to remind the technician that my breasts were not, in fact, detachable. 

The subsequent ultrasound concluded with the pronouncement that whatever 'oddness' there was in the first tests was no longer evident.  I'm fine, in other words. And grateful for my continued good health. For the most part, I've been pretty darned healthy over the past five decades. I don't believe I take it for granted but events like this provide a great reminder to actively appreciate my health.

This was also a vivid example of yet another bout of gratitude characterizing my fiftieth year. In reflecting over my life, I can't help but be grateful for many of my experiences thus far.  The opportunities to travel, to learn and to create figure prominently.  

I've made a point of expressing appreciation for significant people in my life, personally and professionally.  (More on that in an upcoming post).

I'm also aware that I've sidestepped a lot of drama that other people endure. I'm grateful to have lived a relatively unburdened life. (I suspect one reason that I've been thrown so off kilter by my mother's recent, unexpected passing is that I've had so little drama to deal with in the past. It's been an adjustment to handle the many challenges that have arisen as a result of her untimely death).

Another thing I've noticed lately is that I'm much more appreciative of the little blessings in  my daily life. 

For example, this was one of those weekends that felt good, rich and full.  Nothing particularly exciting was happening...just playing with our dogs, pruning fruit trees, reading, installing mosaic tile, playing board games, listening to music and whatnot...and yet the overriding emotion throughout was one of 'contentment'.  It just felt good to 'be'.

One of my professional heroes is M.J. Ryan, author of Attitudes of Gratitude -- a seminal book on the topic. She contributed a wonderful story to my co-authored Happiness book that demonstrated 'blessings in disguise'.  The punchline:  some gifts come wrapped in sandpaper.  

Take Lisa for example.  She underwent simple day surgery and things went horribly wrong.  She went into anaphylactic shock and almost died. Doesn't sound like much of a gift or blessing, does it?  But when Lisa unwrapped the metaphorical sandpaper, she found plenty.

"Well this experience certainly did wake me up," she wrote me recently.  "I am no longer complacent or bored.  I am grateful for the people in my life and mindful of how I treat people.   Normally we keep birthdays pretty quiet,  I decided then and there that I was never taking another birthday for granted.   We had 35 people here to help me celebrate my 50th last July.   I joined the gym, and am getting very active.  Enjoying life and renewing old friendships and nurturing the existing ones....I just joined a yoga class and am going to sign up for conversational Italian. (I am aiming to be fluent enough for a future trip to Italy)." 

Now you needn't wait for a matter of life and death to be grateful or to express gratitude for all that's in your life. Turning fifty is a natural time to reflect on life thus far -- and to express appreciation for all the people and events for which we're grateful -- and yet the milestone doesn't matter.  Whatever our age, we have the capacity for gratitude every day we breathe.

It doesn't matter what's going on in our lives -- there's always *something* for which we can be grateful.  We're breathing.   We have water to drink.  We have food and shelter. Starting with the basics and expanding gratitude for every bonus we experience is a powerful practice.  It casts our lives in a more positive light.  It shifts our focus to what's working well, rather that what's not.  

Daily gratitude begets more of what we love in life. The more we appreciate certain aspects of life, the more we foster them.  (Try it and see -- every day for the next week, write down ten things for which you're grateful.  Aim for ten different items every day. Watch watch happens).


I would argue that daily gratitude IS a matter of life and death.  Without being grateful for what we have and what we experience, what's the point of living? 


*****


What about you?  I'd love to know about your experience with gratitude.  Message me or leave a comment.

Significant Women

Watercolour Print by Ellen Spencer

When my friend Mari turned fifty, she invited thirteen female friends to a luncheon to honour "significant women in her life". Over sparkling wine and a light salad meal, she gave a short speech to explain why each guest was there.  Mari noted the commonalities among them -- how the threads of their lives had woven together. 

How was the event?

"It was such fun," reports Mari,  "I've decided I'll gather this group together also next year!"

I would love to replicate this wonderful idea -- however to do so, I would have to overcome some logistical challenges.  First, the Significant Women in my Life are far-flung around the globe.  Hard to imagine they'd fly into California for lunch.  (Although, goodness knows, if they were amenable, we could make a heckuva fun, frolic-filled week out of it!)

Second, I haven't actually met some of Significant Women in my Life.  When I think about the women who've had the biggest influence on me, topping the list is my creative hero, Julia Cameron.  Her book, The Artist's Way, triggered my escape from the corporate world into more creative pursuits. 

Another personal choice would be Mollie Katzen, author of many seminal vegetarian cookbooks beginning with The Moosewood Cookbook (a.k.a. the Vegetarian Bible).  As someone who's not eaten meat for 38 years, I'm grateful indeed to have had Mollie Katzen's recipes enhancing my culinary repertoire.

In an ideal world, I'd love to invite my career role models -- Martha Beck (Finding Your Own North Star, The Joy Diet),  Barbara Sher (I Could Do Anything if Only I Knew What It Was, Live the Life you Love),  Susan Jeffers (Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway, Embracing Uncertainty) and M.J. Ryan (Attitudes of Gratitude, The Happiness Makeover).  I'd had the honour of corresponding with them...and actually collaborating with the latter two on a book about happiness.  What a thrill it would be to meet these women in person -- to bask in their wisdom, candour and good humour.

And while I'm dreaming, I'd also invite to my Fantasy Lunch with Significant Women in my Life those artists who have inspired and enlightened me:  multi-talented artists such as Joni Mitchell and Joan Armatrading plus writers including Margaret Atwood, Anne Tyler and J.K. Rowling.  There is something about their creative works that resonates deep down and echoes throughout the past few decades.

This is one pleasure of a milestone birthday, like turning fifty:  to identify and appreciate those people -- women AND men -- who have enhanced our first five decades. 

***

Activity:  Who are the Significant Women in your Life?  Whom can you gather together for a celebration? 

Activity:  Write the Significant Women in your Life to express your appreciation. 

Activity:  Who are the Significant Men in your Life?  Whom can you gather together for a celebration? 

Activity:  Write the Significant Men in your Life to express your appreciation. 

***

I'd love to hear about your experiences -- message me or leave a comment.

Life Chapters

A few months ago, those of us who went to high school together reconnected at a joint fiftieth birthday party to celebrate our shared milestone.

It was fascinating to interact with folks after three decades apart.  Logically, these people were strangers -- unknown adults bearing little in common with their younger selves.  Yet because of our shared childhood history, there was something deep already established among us.  Walking around the room, talking with people was like discovering a lost tribe to which we all belonged.

Steve is a case in point. We first met when we were three years old when our families lived in the same apartment building.  We attended the same schools and went our separate ways after high school graduation.

We had no contact until the joint fiftieth party. Absent this event, it is unlikely our paths would have recrossed in our lifetimes.  We live 3000 miles apart.  We work in different fields.  We belong to different social networking platforms.

It was fun to chitchat in person at the party.  Thanks to my Fifty Frolics project, we're continuing to dialogue about our milestone.  Whereas my present focus is on making the most of turning fifty, Steve has a different perspective:

"As I look back, I've noticed that life can be broken into stages. Elementary school, high school, college years, gap years, different jobs, different hobbies and activities, marriage, kids, pets, retirement, sunset years.... So I guess that if I was to pass any life-goal type advice on, it would be to recognize the particular life-stage you're in and to build a set of goals according to that, preparing for each of the next expected milestones.

For me, 49, 50, 51.... I honestly don't feel that much different from year to year, so I don't tend to look at 50 as a milestone. Instead, I feel my next milestone will probably be retirement. So my most immediate "50" list is more of a list of things I'd like to do before I retire. For instance, just as you'd like to really listen to 50 albums this year - I've accumulated about 2000 albums that I'd like to listen to before I retire....Of those hundreds of artists I'd like to see as many live shows as I can....Another "50" list I have is my reading list. But it continually grows and changes, influenced by events and interests at any given point in life. So I have a similar approach to yours, but I find my time frames differ and vary in accordance with different life events." 

I agree. The important thing is to find a framework that motivates you to truly enjoy your life.  Whether you're focusing on this day, this week, this month, this year or your current life chapter,  what's important, meaningful and fulfilling to you?   How do you want to live your life? 

What about you?  How do you parse the significant chapters in your life?  How do you view your present life epoch? What are your priorities or goals during this time?  Message me or leave a comment.

About Time

One fulfilling consequence of this blog has been receiving reactions from other people turning fifty.

Take Mari's approach to her fiftieth birthday, for example: 

"My milestone is approaching fast. I have invited my relatives (there are lots of them) to a nearby museum centre where is also a museum of horology. (http://www.kellomuseo.fi/englanniksi.pdf) I just visited the horology museum and can now guide my relatives though it. Time and its passing is suitable theme for my milestone."

Suitable indeed.  It's difficult not to think about the concept of time when one contemplates the years we've already lived, and those yet to unfold.

I can recall slow summer afternoons during my childhood -- spent wondering how on earth to fill the days until school started in September.  The eons that seemed to lumber between breakfast and bedtime.

Or the impatient angst of my teen self, cramming as many extracurricular activities and two part-time jobs into the week to combat the boredom of living in a small, rural town.  It seemed like it would be forever before I would graduate and leave for university.

Then, at university, time suddenly sped up.  Poof! It was December and my first set of exams.  Poof! It was third year!  Poof!  I was finished and thrust into my next life chapter.

And time has seemed to speed up every year since then.  The months and (how is it possible?!) years have spun by faster and faster.  

These days, the weeks slip by so quickly, they blur together. I'm barely begun on Monday morning when suddenly, it's the weekend.  Or the next Monday. 

It's difficult to enjoy the passage of time when I'm feeling this temporal whiplash.

But I'm trying. Every day, several times a day, I take a few moments to just 'be'. 

Plus I'm giving special attention to this particular year -- my fiftieth.  I'm endeavouring to spend these particular fifty-two weeks well.  The rationale for aiming for (at least) 50 Frolics this year is to make a point of enjoying this time.  I'm committed to (at least) 50 Creative Projects to imbue these 365 days with purpose. My other fiftieth projects -- trying (at least) 50 New Recipes and reading (at least) 50 Books -- are a way of enriching my life during this particular period.

Will the days ever slow down?  Later in life, will time seem to decelerate?  I wonder.

***

Activity:  Think about the concept of 'time'.  What does it mean to you?  What do you notice about its passage?  What has been your perspective on time during different chapters of your life?  For example, how did you regard time as a child?  As a young adult?  Now?

Activity:  What can you do to make the most of this particular year? What would be a meaningful use of your time?

***

This is Your Life

It started when making contact with my high school cohort:  childhood and teen reminiscences.  People remembered things about my childhood that I did not.  Apparently I invited my entire grade three class to come to my house so I could entertain them with a puppet show, for example.  

During the preparations for the party, the scavenging of vintage photos from long-forgotten albums and the conversations at the Birthday Bash, many memories were sparked and rekindled.

Unfortunately, my mother passed away unexpectedly one month before the party.  This meant that at the same time I was co-planning the party, I was also grieving and beginning the behemoth process of dealing with her estate.

My mother had a large house, packed to the rafters.  She never threw anything away.  Job One in managing her estate involved going through all her possessions and every document. My mother’s house harbored reminders of every age, every trip we took, every fad since the 1950’s. 

Going through my mother’s house became an unavoidable life review. 

I found the note my father left on my mother’s car, inviting her for a first date.  I found photos I didn’t know existed.  My childhood books.  Every birthday card I ever received as a child.  Every scrap of paper I brought home from school -- my artwork, my class notes,  my school projects, my cringe-inducing essays.  Awards and prizes I can’t remember winning.  The letter from the dogsitter explaining how my dog had died during one of our trips away.  Most of my toys -- my earliest dolls, my Easy Bake oven, my Spirograph set, my microscope, my hulu hoop. A painting done for me by a school friend who died ten years ago.

It was very difficult to go through everything.  (To be truthful, I’m not done yet.  I have eight more boxes of papers in the attic to excavate).  What I have seen has evoked every possible emotion. Discovery.  Joy. Grief. Pride.  Sorrow. Guilt. Dismay. Regret. Triumph. Wonder. 

It was a life changing experience. 

In addition to my 50 Frolics, I’m committed to complete (at least) 50 Creative Projects in my 50th year.  One of them this blog.  Another is working through The Vein of Gold -- Julia Cameron’s sequel to The Artist's Way.  The latter is a book that has meant a great deal to me.  It educated and inspired me.  It facilitated major insights.  It sparked me to leave the corporate world for creative pursuits.

I’ve purchased at least a dozen copies of the Artist’s Way.  Every time I ‘lend’ a copy to a friend, I end up having to buy a replacement.

I wanted to honour The Artist's Way during my fiftieth year...but I've re-read it and re-done the exercises so many times, it didn’t seem appropriate to go through it yet again. Instead, I’m opting to work through  The Vein of Gold -- the sequel to The Artist's Way and perhaps the only Julia Cameron book I haven’t yet read.

As luck would have it, one of the first exercises is a life review -- to divide up one’s life into five or ten year periods and jot down all the major players, factors, events and memories from the time.  I’ve been beautifully equipped for this task, having just gone through all the mementoes in my mother’s house. 

This exercise is more structured, however -- more guided and more fruitful.  It’s taken me a week but I’ve sketched out my first fifty years.  It’s been a draining, illuminating experience. 

I encourage you to do the same:  Clear some time to think about your life.  (This will take several focused sessions, so pace yourself such that you can give thoughtful reflection to each life chapter). What do you remember from ages 0 - 5? 5-10? 10-15? 15- 20? 20-25? 25 - 30? 30 - 40? 40 - 50?  Who were the key players? What were you chief activities? Amusements? Challenges? As you complete your notes from each time period, ask yourself for insights about yourself at that time:  what kind of person were you?  What was your chief motivation? Failing? What message would you give yourself at that time, if you could?