A Matter of Life & Death

Last week, I got the phone call no woman wants to get:  The breast center found something 'odd' (their term) during my routine exam.  They scheduled me for more testing.

I returned for a bout of breast-twisting and smooshing so vigorous that I needed to remind the technician that my breasts were not, in fact, detachable. 

The subsequent ultrasound concluded with the pronouncement that whatever 'oddness' there was in the first tests was no longer evident.  I'm fine, in other words. And grateful for my continued good health. For the most part, I've been pretty darned healthy over the past five decades. I don't believe I take it for granted but events like this provide a great reminder to actively appreciate my health.

This was also a vivid example of yet another bout of gratitude characterizing my fiftieth year. In reflecting over my life, I can't help but be grateful for many of my experiences thus far.  The opportunities to travel, to learn and to create figure prominently.  

I've made a point of expressing appreciation for significant people in my life, personally and professionally.  (More on that in an upcoming post).

I'm also aware that I've sidestepped a lot of drama that other people endure. I'm grateful to have lived a relatively unburdened life. (I suspect one reason that I've been thrown so off kilter by my mother's recent, unexpected passing is that I've had so little drama to deal with in the past. It's been an adjustment to handle the many challenges that have arisen as a result of her untimely death).

Another thing I've noticed lately is that I'm much more appreciative of the little blessings in  my daily life. 

For example, this was one of those weekends that felt good, rich and full.  Nothing particularly exciting was happening...just playing with our dogs, pruning fruit trees, reading, installing mosaic tile, playing board games, listening to music and whatnot...and yet the overriding emotion throughout was one of 'contentment'.  It just felt good to 'be'.

One of my professional heroes is M.J. Ryan, author of Attitudes of Gratitude -- a seminal book on the topic. She contributed a wonderful story to my co-authored Happiness book that demonstrated 'blessings in disguise'.  The punchline:  some gifts come wrapped in sandpaper.  

Take Lisa for example.  She underwent simple day surgery and things went horribly wrong.  She went into anaphylactic shock and almost died. Doesn't sound like much of a gift or blessing, does it?  But when Lisa unwrapped the metaphorical sandpaper, she found plenty.

"Well this experience certainly did wake me up," she wrote me recently.  "I am no longer complacent or bored.  I am grateful for the people in my life and mindful of how I treat people.   Normally we keep birthdays pretty quiet,  I decided then and there that I was never taking another birthday for granted.   We had 35 people here to help me celebrate my 50th last July.   I joined the gym, and am getting very active.  Enjoying life and renewing old friendships and nurturing the existing ones....I just joined a yoga class and am going to sign up for conversational Italian. (I am aiming to be fluent enough for a future trip to Italy)." 

Now you needn't wait for a matter of life and death to be grateful or to express gratitude for all that's in your life. Turning fifty is a natural time to reflect on life thus far -- and to express appreciation for all the people and events for which we're grateful -- and yet the milestone doesn't matter.  Whatever our age, we have the capacity for gratitude every day we breathe.

It doesn't matter what's going on in our lives -- there's always *something* for which we can be grateful.  We're breathing.   We have water to drink.  We have food and shelter. Starting with the basics and expanding gratitude for every bonus we experience is a powerful practice.  It casts our lives in a more positive light.  It shifts our focus to what's working well, rather that what's not.  

Daily gratitude begets more of what we love in life. The more we appreciate certain aspects of life, the more we foster them.  (Try it and see -- every day for the next week, write down ten things for which you're grateful.  Aim for ten different items every day. Watch watch happens).


I would argue that daily gratitude IS a matter of life and death.  Without being grateful for what we have and what we experience, what's the point of living? 


*****


What about you?  I'd love to know about your experience with gratitude.  Message me or leave a comment.

Overcoming the Parent/Non-Parent Gulf

My friend Patricia recently had a baby girl -- her first child.  I'm tickled for her and yet also sad because I know she'll disappear from my life for the next decade or two.

She protests.  She says it won't happen. But I've seen it time and time again.  Baby comes and friendships with non-parents aren't possible.

Oh sure, my friends return, eventually.  They pack their kids off to college, pour themselves a glass of wine and then suddenly the absence of their non-parental friends registers in their consciousness and they give me a call.  

It's always wonderful to reconnect.  But I sure do miss them in the interim.

Alex is a case in point.  We met circa 1985 at the University of Michigan.  He and his girlfriend at the time taught me weight-room basics, how to throw a kickass dinner party for twenty and how to turn academic conferences into wonderful romps.

We've visited back and forth over the years -- most recently in 2000.  Since then, life has intervened...in the form of his two small children.

We reconnected via Facebook a year ago.  Since then, we've tried to chat by phone -- and failed.  We've shared a solid year of phone tag, given our mis-matched schedules.

I doubt we would've been able to break through the parent/non-parent barrier, were it not for my Fifty Frolics project.  Well, that and the San Diego Convention Center.  Happily, all my academic friends visit the SDCC from time to time.  It's only a two hour drive away -- perfect for reconnecting with long distance friends.

When Alex informed me he'd be in San Diego for a conference this month, I saw the opportunity for a frolic.

We hadn't been able to connect on the phone for a year...or to email or Skype or IM or any of these technologies that's shrunk the world...but it was easy as pie to meet in person.  I simply drove down and picked Alex up during a gap in his conference schedule.  We spent the next three hours chatting as we frolicked along the San Diego shore.  

How very good it was to be with my friend, after a twelve year absence.  It didn't seem like we'd been apart at all -- we babbled as if our most recent conversation had been paused days ago. These are the most gratifying of reconnections -- when we slip back into each others' lives as if we'd never been apart. 

When my time with Alex in San Diego drew to a close, we quickly planned a subsequent Frolic -- a canoe outing when I'll be visiting the East Coast in the summer.

Chalk up another victory for the 50 Frolics project:  it provided the impetus to end a twelve year pause in a friendship.

Tracking Progress

Unbelievably, I'm two months into my fiftieth year...meaning that 16.67% of the time I have to complete my 50th projects has elapsed already.  (Not that I'm feeling any pressure to honour my commitments or anything.  Okay, I am.  That's the beauty of blogging about this experience).

Actually, for the most part, I'm doing well, according to the excel spreadsheet I'm using to track my progress. Since 50 Frolics or 50 Books or 50 of anything else averages out to be about one a week, it's easy to tell, at a glance, what's on track and what's not.

I'm farthest ahead in my effort to try (at least) 50 New Recipes this year.  Perhaps this is not surprising, given that I have three opportunities a day to try novel dishes.  (Who am I kidding?  Given my food intake, I have twelve chances a day to experiment with new recipes).

I'm also ahead of the game in my desire to enjoy (at least) 50 Frolics, (at least) 50 Creative Projects and many of the categories for which I'm not recording my experiences online (50 Films, 50 Visits, 50 Treats, 50 CDs).

I'm one short in the number of books I had expected to read by this point...and I'm alright with that.  At this point, I'm well on my way to reading (at least) 50 Books this year.

In contrast, I am much farther behind in my plan to enjoy (at least) 50 Water Visits this year.  I live 40 blocks away from the ocean.  It takes twenty whole minutes to drive to the shore.  As ridiculous as that sounds, it's proving challenging to find the time in my week to get to the shore. I know I'll be visiting waterfront places this summer, so hopefully I'll be able to catch up a bit.  In the meantime, I'm seeking creative ways to meet this goal.

I'm even farther behind in my desire to take (at least) 50 Fitness Classes and (at least) 50 Fun Classes this year.  In a normal year, this wouldn't be an issue -- I adore taking all kinds of classes and am usually enrolled in same.  However, this year, my schedule and my personal responsibilities in tending my mother's estate have interfered.  I've missed registration deadlines and start dates and so forth. I'm not sure how to make up for the weeks I've missed.  Interestingly, I find this turn of events ironic more than troubling.  I certainly don't want these projects to be a source of stress or dismay.

The point of all these '50' projects is to make the most of turning fifty.  The real measure of my progress is to what extent I'm enjoying this year.  By that metric, I'm doing very well indeed.

Significant Women

Watercolour Print by Ellen Spencer

When my friend Mari turned fifty, she invited thirteen female friends to a luncheon to honour "significant women in her life". Over sparkling wine and a light salad meal, she gave a short speech to explain why each guest was there.  Mari noted the commonalities among them -- how the threads of their lives had woven together. 

How was the event?

"It was such fun," reports Mari,  "I've decided I'll gather this group together also next year!"

I would love to replicate this wonderful idea -- however to do so, I would have to overcome some logistical challenges.  First, the Significant Women in my Life are far-flung around the globe.  Hard to imagine they'd fly into California for lunch.  (Although, goodness knows, if they were amenable, we could make a heckuva fun, frolic-filled week out of it!)

Second, I haven't actually met some of Significant Women in my Life.  When I think about the women who've had the biggest influence on me, topping the list is my creative hero, Julia Cameron.  Her book, The Artist's Way, triggered my escape from the corporate world into more creative pursuits. 

Another personal choice would be Mollie Katzen, author of many seminal vegetarian cookbooks beginning with The Moosewood Cookbook (a.k.a. the Vegetarian Bible).  As someone who's not eaten meat for 38 years, I'm grateful indeed to have had Mollie Katzen's recipes enhancing my culinary repertoire.

In an ideal world, I'd love to invite my career role models -- Martha Beck (Finding Your Own North Star, The Joy Diet),  Barbara Sher (I Could Do Anything if Only I Knew What It Was, Live the Life you Love),  Susan Jeffers (Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway, Embracing Uncertainty) and M.J. Ryan (Attitudes of Gratitude, The Happiness Makeover).  I'd had the honour of corresponding with them...and actually collaborating with the latter two on a book about happiness.  What a thrill it would be to meet these women in person -- to bask in their wisdom, candour and good humour.

And while I'm dreaming, I'd also invite to my Fantasy Lunch with Significant Women in my Life those artists who have inspired and enlightened me:  multi-talented artists such as Joni Mitchell and Joan Armatrading plus writers including Margaret Atwood, Anne Tyler and J.K. Rowling.  There is something about their creative works that resonates deep down and echoes throughout the past few decades.

This is one pleasure of a milestone birthday, like turning fifty:  to identify and appreciate those people -- women AND men -- who have enhanced our first five decades. 

***

Activity:  Who are the Significant Women in your Life?  Whom can you gather together for a celebration? 

Activity:  Write the Significant Women in your Life to express your appreciation. 

Activity:  Who are the Significant Men in your Life?  Whom can you gather together for a celebration? 

Activity:  Write the Significant Men in your Life to express your appreciation. 

***

I'd love to hear about your experiences -- message me or leave a comment.

Life Chapters

A few months ago, those of us who went to high school together reconnected at a joint fiftieth birthday party to celebrate our shared milestone.

It was fascinating to interact with folks after three decades apart.  Logically, these people were strangers -- unknown adults bearing little in common with their younger selves.  Yet because of our shared childhood history, there was something deep already established among us.  Walking around the room, talking with people was like discovering a lost tribe to which we all belonged.

Steve is a case in point. We first met when we were three years old when our families lived in the same apartment building.  We attended the same schools and went our separate ways after high school graduation.

We had no contact until the joint fiftieth party. Absent this event, it is unlikely our paths would have recrossed in our lifetimes.  We live 3000 miles apart.  We work in different fields.  We belong to different social networking platforms.

It was fun to chitchat in person at the party.  Thanks to my Fifty Frolics project, we're continuing to dialogue about our milestone.  Whereas my present focus is on making the most of turning fifty, Steve has a different perspective:

"As I look back, I've noticed that life can be broken into stages. Elementary school, high school, college years, gap years, different jobs, different hobbies and activities, marriage, kids, pets, retirement, sunset years.... So I guess that if I was to pass any life-goal type advice on, it would be to recognize the particular life-stage you're in and to build a set of goals according to that, preparing for each of the next expected milestones.

For me, 49, 50, 51.... I honestly don't feel that much different from year to year, so I don't tend to look at 50 as a milestone. Instead, I feel my next milestone will probably be retirement. So my most immediate "50" list is more of a list of things I'd like to do before I retire. For instance, just as you'd like to really listen to 50 albums this year - I've accumulated about 2000 albums that I'd like to listen to before I retire....Of those hundreds of artists I'd like to see as many live shows as I can....Another "50" list I have is my reading list. But it continually grows and changes, influenced by events and interests at any given point in life. So I have a similar approach to yours, but I find my time frames differ and vary in accordance with different life events." 

I agree. The important thing is to find a framework that motivates you to truly enjoy your life.  Whether you're focusing on this day, this week, this month, this year or your current life chapter,  what's important, meaningful and fulfilling to you?   How do you want to live your life? 

What about you?  How do you parse the significant chapters in your life?  How do you view your present life epoch? What are your priorities or goals during this time?  Message me or leave a comment.

About Time

One fulfilling consequence of this blog has been receiving reactions from other people turning fifty.

Take Mari's approach to her fiftieth birthday, for example: 

"My milestone is approaching fast. I have invited my relatives (there are lots of them) to a nearby museum centre where is also a museum of horology. (http://www.kellomuseo.fi/englanniksi.pdf) I just visited the horology museum and can now guide my relatives though it. Time and its passing is suitable theme for my milestone."

Suitable indeed.  It's difficult not to think about the concept of time when one contemplates the years we've already lived, and those yet to unfold.

I can recall slow summer afternoons during my childhood -- spent wondering how on earth to fill the days until school started in September.  The eons that seemed to lumber between breakfast and bedtime.

Or the impatient angst of my teen self, cramming as many extracurricular activities and two part-time jobs into the week to combat the boredom of living in a small, rural town.  It seemed like it would be forever before I would graduate and leave for university.

Then, at university, time suddenly sped up.  Poof! It was December and my first set of exams.  Poof! It was third year!  Poof!  I was finished and thrust into my next life chapter.

And time has seemed to speed up every year since then.  The months and (how is it possible?!) years have spun by faster and faster.  

These days, the weeks slip by so quickly, they blur together. I'm barely begun on Monday morning when suddenly, it's the weekend.  Or the next Monday. 

It's difficult to enjoy the passage of time when I'm feeling this temporal whiplash.

But I'm trying. Every day, several times a day, I take a few moments to just 'be'. 

Plus I'm giving special attention to this particular year -- my fiftieth.  I'm endeavouring to spend these particular fifty-two weeks well.  The rationale for aiming for (at least) 50 Frolics this year is to make a point of enjoying this time.  I'm committed to (at least) 50 Creative Projects to imbue these 365 days with purpose. My other fiftieth projects -- trying (at least) 50 New Recipes and reading (at least) 50 Books -- are a way of enriching my life during this particular period.

Will the days ever slow down?  Later in life, will time seem to decelerate?  I wonder.

***

Activity:  Think about the concept of 'time'.  What does it mean to you?  What do you notice about its passage?  What has been your perspective on time during different chapters of your life?  For example, how did you regard time as a child?  As a young adult?  Now?

Activity:  What can you do to make the most of this particular year? What would be a meaningful use of your time?

***

Word Power

Words are one of the most powerful things I know.  They can soothe and wound. They can delight and destroy.  They can entertain and transform.

The most powerful words are the ones we use to describe ourselves.  We might not even be aware of what those words are -- or where they came from.

One of my 50 CreativeProjects during my fiftieth is to work through Julia Cameron’s Vein of Gold. Today’s assignment was to identify ten of the derrogatory labels we recall from childhood.  You know -- those hurtful things someone branded us when we were young -- things like “dreamer” or “flake” or “foolish” or “not focused”.  Those spoken syllables that chided us when we were too naive to know that such descriptors were just that person’s opinion -- and probably said more about that person’s issues and personality than it did about our own.

The next step Cameron prescribes is to convert these negative labels into something more positive, helpful...and probably more accurate.  For example:   “Dilettante converts to interested in many things.  Dreamer converts to powerfully imaginative.... Eccentric converts to original.

It was distasteful to dredge up the complaints that people had about me when I was a child.  For example, my father used to call me “Lady of Leisure”.  I don’t know why.  I had a ton of extracurricular activities and part-time jobs and volunteered on top of it all. Yet every time he caught me daydreaming, he’d call out, in a teasing sing-song voice, “Hello, ‘Lady of Leisure’!”  He probably meant it jokingly, but it stung every damn time he said it.

 

Or, I distinctly recall the afternoon when one elementary school chum, with whom I’m still pals, expressed her exasperation that I “start all these different projects and never finish any of them!”  Now the truth is that I started many different projects and I finished many of them -- and the cosmic Truth is that no-one HAS to finish EVERYTHING they start.  In fact, the physical reality is that it’s absolutely impossible to do so. 

It was painful to reflect on those labels that stuck through adulthood -- things like being called ‘intense’.  I don’t enjoy being branded ‘intense’.  It makes me wince.  And yet, when I think of the people in my life I would describe as being ‘intense’, I don’t mean it as a complaint.  For them, I think of ‘intense’ as a synonym for ‘passionate’ or ‘scary smart’ or ‘focused’.

Which leads nicely into the second part of the Cameron exercise:  turning, in her words, “dross into gold”.  Reframing the negative labels into something more helpful and positive.

This was actually a very satisfying activity.

Okay, my dad implied I was ‘lazy’, but really, any downtime he witnessed was me “thinking” or “reflecting” or “imagining” or, in my own way, “trying to heal”.

My schoolchum thought I was a flake (and probably still does), but I’m perfectly content to be called “interested in many things.”  It’s true!  I am interested in many things!  I’ll shout it proudly!

When I’m slammed for being ‘intense’ in the future, I’ll translate it internally as a complement that I’m passionate, smart and/or focused.  I’m comfortable with any of those three descriptors.

It was helpful, indeed, to identify the negative labels I’d internalized, to exorcise them and to transform them into more helpful, pleasant entities.  I invite you to do the same: 

1.  write down ten negative labels you recall from childhood. 

2.  convert these negative words into more helpful interpretations of your behavior.

Bonus activity:  post your ‘golden words’ places you will see them.

I’d love to know how you find the experience -- message me or leave a comment below.